Ok, so first and foremost I’d just like state that I have an absolute love for slasher films. Besides anthologies, it’s probably my favorite of the horror genre. While being on “the hunt” for most of my life to find every crazy slasher flick I can get my sleazy hands on, I’ve come across quite a few turds to say the least. With them being made practically by the truck load in this lifetime, that can happen just as easily than finding a good one that’s actually worth your time. One thing is for certain about a slasher film though, and thats the fact that there’s always a new killer to make, a strange new backstory to the madness, and an endless line of moronic drunken idiot teens to stalk and slaughter. These films are in no particular order, but are just ones that stood out to me for all the wrong reasons (or the right reasons, depending on your preference). Some of these picks may shock you, and some may not surprise you at all. While all of these films do in fact hold a strange place deep down somewhere in my heart….I can’t positively recommend them to anyone.

Home Sweet Home (1981)

I may get some flack for this film being on the list due to its cult status amongst my fellow horror nerds, but after 2 viewings, I’d had enough. More of a comedy slasher than an actual horror slasher, it stars Jake Steinfeld (of the later Body By Jake! fame) as a homicidal PCP shooting lunatic that escapes from a mental asylum and sets out to ruin a weird ass family’s Thanksgiving dinner. The fact that it’s one of the only slasher films revolving around Thanksgiving is about the only thing that it has going for it. Quite a few laughs that I’m sure were unintentional at the time as well.

The Forest (1982)

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=qEadFHuU0BQ

Another film that is more popular for its awesome cover art and collectability on the VHS market, it really failed to hold my attention for any reason aside from the cool wooded setting. A bit of a different supernatural-ish plot compared to most slashers, but quite slow and a tad annoying to me at times. Some say it’s better than Don’t Go In The Woods…Alone!, but I strongly oppose.

Death By Dialogue (1988)

I found this movie in one of those TROMA Film 10 pack deals that are usually filled with tons of the most god awful movies in the world. I LOVE all the TROMA original films, but it seems like at one point, they literally bought the rights to every bad film they could find. I’ve watched this movie twice and I still have no clue what it’s about. Something about a haunted script, then I remember some explosions, a motorcycle, boobies, a bad hair metal band, and in all seriousness, a surprisingly scary killer. Sounds great, but it’s not by any means. While preparing to write this article I planned on making a joke about the main character who I thought was Yaphet Kotto, but it turned out to be a guy named Ken Sagoes. So I guess my joke will have to be “Ken Sagoes, the poorer man’s Yaphet Kotto.” I suck.

Bloody Murder (2000)

No. Just, no. Why some films are even made is always a complete mystery to me. The cover art and story obviously rip off Friday the 13th and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. REAL ORIGINAL, GUY. The movie sucks, and I hate everyone involved with it. On to the next!

bloody murder

Prom Night (1980)

I absolutely love Leslie Nielsen and Jamie Lee Curtis, but this definitely isn’t my favorite slasher. Curtis is absolutely amazing in everything she does, but to me this movie was a very bare bones slasher. Minimal blood, a plot that’s stretched out too long before the good stuff starts, and some very dark kill scenes unfortunately over shadow this movie and it’s one lone, interesting scene of a beheading at the prom. Not bad, but not the best either. I’ll stick with Halloween, and Terror Train.

Clownhouse (1988)

This film is legendary in the cult horror scene, but not for the reasons you’d think. The film’s director Victor Salva was later convicted of five felony counts of sexual relations with 12 year old Nathan Forrest Winters, who was the star of the film. It makes Salva’s intentions all the more transparent when you see a few weird homoerotic scenes with the teens in the film. After, Salva spent a year in jail, then went on to later success with Jeepers Creepers and Jeepers Creepers 2. Hollywood….ugh. The film is about a group of escaped mental patients who knock off a circus tent, dress as clowns, then terrorize a house of three brothers. If you are creeped out by clowns, this movie might actually be pretty effective for you. The movie also co-stars a young Sam Rockwell and isn’t really all that bad in retrospect, but the dark cloud that hangs over this film due to the aforementioned information above, makes it almost unwatchable for me.

Unhinged (1982)

The acting in this is so far beyond horrible that you’d think they were joking. There’s some decent typical 80s gore and the ending is actually pretty good, but the whole movie leading up to the end caused constant nap attacks for sure. This is a really strange movie, and one that makes slasher fans either completely love it, or hate it to the max.

To All A Goodnight (1980)

I am obsessed with Christmas horror movies, so in my quest to hunt out every single Christmas slasher I could find, I came across this disaster, which is also the first film using the “killer santa claus” gag. I LOVE the cover art for the movie, and I wanted to like the film so bad, but in the end it falls victim to its “under-production” and very bad lighting quality. There are seriously points in this movie where you can’t see shit.

to-all-goodnight-bluray

New Years Evil (1980)

More of a boring ass thriller, and not so much the slasher it seems. It’s set around a radio station DJ on New Year’s Eve who gets phone threats from a killer that claims he’s going to kill someone in all four time zones at midnight. Give me a break. Not even the smartest serial killer in the world could pull that one off easily. Cool hollywood shots, and some decent performances are sadly overlooked due to a dreadfully boring story line. I’m all for slasher films that try to hit every holiday and sub-holiday they can, but you won’t wanna watch this ball drop.

Boardinghouse (1982)

Ok, first off this movie looks like a porno, except with no sex scenes, but there are plenty of boobs! It’s regarded as one of the, if not THE first shot-on-video horror film. The creator of the film Blood Cult likes to argue that he made the first SOV horror film, but I’ve got better things to do than listen to that argument, like cut my toenails or plunge my toilet. This movie claims to express warnings before bad things happen in the film, then proceeds to knock off bimbos and rad dudes left and right without warning. Random possession self killings leave you uttering “what the fuck am I watching” for probably the 17th time during the course of the movie, and I agree. Some people absolutely LOVE this film, and you may too, but I’ll take my one viewing and go on about my day.